wewazcoolsville

This is exactly how i felt today. I was blaming it on PMS. 
That's not entirely valid lately considering birth control has me hormonal 24/7. I almost quit all three of my jobs this week instead of just the one. almost... i was super close i just couldn't fucking stand it anymore. and then i considering beating up a bum to rid myself of my anger.

The emotional space this is only applicable in the sense that will has been all over me all week in a motherly cooing way. Asking me about my day and whats wrong, do you want a foot rub, i love your cooking, do you love me, i love you love you love you to a smothering degree, and then just completely stopped (which i actually welcomed). But i realized he completely stopped when i was actually wanting to talk about it. Or more when i wanted to talk about how fucking fucked up this whole fucking situation is. I don't need to give others the space to emotionally retreat in the sense that i love him and i want to be all over him and why isn't he talking to me now way. It's in a don't talk about how fucking pissed off i am because of him way. just leave him alone and don't talk to him.

i'm so angry tho. i was going over the whole thing in my head on the drive home, and i wanted to turn the car around and curb stomp him. How DARE he demand $700 from me. And tell me he's canceling a few of his shows because he's tired and knows i'm giving him money so he doesn't really need to play them. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT YOU"RE SO FUCKING TIRED? 

and it's just straight up black mail. i considered the fact that maybe he's been so nice to me and trying to woo me and get past my walls lately because he wants the money. but that's not it because he doesn't need to butter me up to black mail me. and there's not other benifit for him to go out of his way the way he has been other than my company. So he's just fucking crazy, and doesn't think he's black mailing me, or being lazy or selfish or a completely worthless peice of shit. He thinks that he can tell me he deserves HALF OF MY TAX RETURN for his "buisness" that I"VE ALREADY BEEN SUPPORTING FOR THE LAST TO YEARS AND $8'000 AGO AND ITS JUST FINE.

Yeah, no i don't want to sleep with you. No i don't want to get back together. No i don't want to give you anything. Yes i'm pissed about giving you the money. Yes i understand that when we were together we agreed that i would claim aria and divide up what we get for her AND THATS THE ONLY FUCKING REASON I"M GOING THROUGH WITH IT OTHER THAN YOUR THREATS TO TAKE ME TO COURT.

How can you think that demanding shit from me and taking me to court and then wanting me to come over every night and getting pissed if i even mention a guys name EVEN MAKES SENSE?

Even with your insanity aside, you've come to me so many times about refecting on everything and seeing how much i believed and supported you when you asked for it and how far i've helped you take your career and you couldn't have done it without me, and straight up told me that you're excited for a time that you can help me acheive something really important to me. i tell you that starting to pay me back for the equipment (which is what we originally agreed on when i bought it for him, that eventually he would settle up with me) By NOT taking the $700 (which is free money anyway! not even really paying me back because it's fucking mine!) would really help. Just don't demand it. Let me save for a condo because you KNOW HOW HARD I"M WORKING FOR IT. That how you can start to pay me back. That how you can help me in something as important as i helped you. Every time you asked (besides when you asked for me to pay off all your debt for you, HA!) i have backed you. and every time i ask you leave me high and dry and instead do the exact opposite because it's more convienent for you.


I fucking hate you so much it makes me cry with fusteration. I am done ever helping you. ever. not with baby food or loaning you a dollar or driving you to get your car when it gets towed for the hundreth time. nothing. especially when i'm asking you to pack diapers and you tell me to just buy some. YOU HAVE FOOD STAMPS. YOU GET EVERYTHING FOR FREE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

I entertained the idea only out of the guilt you made me feel. i came over only to see aria and you knew it and that's why you tried to win me over and everything here is why nothing you do in terms of normal niceities will ever mean shit. because you're a fucking insane selfish rotten person.

 

I was so fucking fed up started crying about ten mins ago. so i decided to distract myself by logging online, and this is what i found.
the older i get the more these things apply to me.
i'm nothing but resentment today. This may be accurate if i weren't PMSing, but i am and my lid has blown.
and the only way i'm keeping the peace is by trying really really hard to not talk to the people i'm resenting.
and internalizing it and crying.

Yes i'm a libra women mess.

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 -- The Moon's return to your sign is a familiar reminder that being nice to others truly makes you feel good. But playing the role of the perfect host can stir up resentment today because you want someone else to look after you for a change. Nevertheless, this won't likely be your day for an open rebellion. You might hit a rough patch or two, but you still should be able to effectively maintain the peace.

Usually i just read my horoscope when i check my e-mail. i get it sent every day, but usually only check it on sun- tuesday when i home and with computer.

Tonight i'm feeling strange and anxious. Maybe everything i've been doing is catching up to me. but it felt different than that, more deep shifting, or loss, or warning.

Will and i have been broken up. well mostly, in an off and on way. intense fights, intense feelings, intense changes and shifts in attitude and emotion and opinions and decisions.
When ever i think we're back together he gets comfortable again enough to break my heart and tell me were not or he's changed his mind or i did something unknowingly that showed him it wasn't going to work.
When ever he thinks we're back together i bite my tongue in telling him we're not, because i don't trust him enough or i don't want to deal with being responsible for someone's emotions when they don't even hold them self responsible for them, or because too many negitive things come out of being 'together' and i'm so stressed and concentrated on suceeding right now i can't bother with that shit.

I've been fighting with it. He really made an effort about a week ago. i really saw who i fell in love with. he told me everything he's done since has only be a reaction to all the hardship we went through and he was carrying it with him and now treating me the way he really feels about me. which is that he loves me and i'm the women he's alway wanted and the only person in his life who is healthy and driven and doesn't waste life smoking weed and doing nothing and trying to get him to smoke and do nothing. That he's come as far as he has with music, his dream, only because of me and all my support.

Maybe it's true. the last bit about me is certinally true, but maybe his emotions are too. I really never know with him and i'm still playing this guessing game long after the fun has stopped.

There's been someone else in my life recently. Nothing big or serious. but someone i enjoy being around, who i think may enjoy me as well, and who, though in an inbetween spot in his life, seems to have things pretty well figured out and taken care of. But then again who really does? Regardless he is someone i want to keep seeing, and i'm not going to pretend it's in a strickly plutonic way.

So i feel like i'm cheating. For both of my situations. I'm still intimate with will, and i'm not at all with the second, but that isn't making things less complicated. I'm lying a lot. i'm so bad at lying and i hate it and usually get caught. i'm just tying not to share information. Really i don't have to if we're not together, but every time i think i'm single and free and i deserve my privacy and freedom i'm apparently not. I'm getting to the point where i'm pretty positive it's a game. He's just fucking with me at this point, but i'm also pretty positive he's not aware of it. He's that completely blind to our relationship that all he sees is me away from him being the person i am and the person he met and recovering from all the shit he burried my personality under. I've re emerged and i'm stronger than ever and it's like his ID rises to the occasion to beat me back down again. but he doesn't see it as that, he just sees his emotions. and they say that he's loosing the one person he's ever loved this deep and he needs to keep me.

I love him. It surpasses logic and that fucking infuriates me, but i do and i have to deal with that emotion in me. I also want a family. And i'm gullible as fuck. Tell me something and i'll have my reservations about it, but i believe in the good in people enough to believe that you're being honest with me, and despite your actions and my background information i'll take your word as truth.
So i go back again and again. I can't seem to let go of all the intensity we had as lovers when our relationship started. remembering that always seems to keep me. All the unexplained things that happened that couldn't just be coincidence. and How i could really feel his love, and know it was true without words, and when there were words it only made it that much better.

I've seen that side of him last week. but with it came the crazy emotions and jealousy that started all the terrible feelings when our relationship started. and in my minds eye everything became consumed in fire.

And this time that jealousy is valid., which kills me. But i feel my emotions are too.
I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth abandoning seeing the person i've starting hanging out with. our interactions are the most stress free, comfortable and care free hours of my week. He's a good person and respectful and we share interests, and i need more people like that in my life. especially after coming out of the shit that was in that house that i lived in with will.

It's not that i'm looking for something serious with someone new. i'm just ready for a change. something needs to change difinitively.
I know that my love for will has gone on too long in the conditions it has been in. Those conditions need to change if i'm going to consider to continue. and he's already made vast improvements during our relationship so it's really not impossible.
But deep in me i know it's highly unlikely. even something like this week is prone to change at any moment and i don't want to be around when it does. does that mean that i'm asking for something and then not giving it a chance to actually occur? or does that mean that i'm just finally being smart about this, right around the time he's finally starting to care.

one thing that's certian is that things are always more complicated when he's in my life. and my life is complicated enough without him as it is.

So back to the numerology. I'll check my horoscope at the beginning of the week and that's about it. tonight i felt this deep shift, and then something caught my eye and i've posted it here.

The entire time wil and i started our relationship i would always happen to check my watch at 11:11, or some total would be 11.11, or something on a sign or car or tv. I thought it was good luck, and would point it out and say, wish, and he would say, i wished for us. I thought what a good sign, how the cosmos are aligned for us. and then the coincidences happened, and then the farm. these strange occurances that wasn't just chance. But something was always confusing about him, and our relationship to me. something off, and not quite right and i couldn't ever put my finger on it. i felt it especially when he told me his logic on situations. it was so wrong, but the way he said it he made it make sense in some strage backwards way and i couldn't dispute it and it always put me in the wrong. i know now it was emotional manipulation and a tool for controling my actions by controlling my emotions. but i was so misled and confused and shocked that someone would talk to me in such a way that said they loved me so much, and it just left me dizzy.

All those repeated 11s that i thought were telling me this is who i should be with. this is lucky, you're on the right path keep going.
God i had it so wrong.

I Think this is giving me the closure i'm looking for to make the decision i know is logically correct. my heart has been misled and cannot think for it's self any longer until it heals enough to not just be one big gaping wound looking for anyone to be near it.

*************************************************

Repeating numbers are bound to occur in everyday life. But when the set of repeating numbers is also a master number (11, 22 or 33), it is wise to take note. As a rule of thumb, when a person keeps seeing the same master number over and over -- sometimes with slight variations -- it acts as a warning. The meaning of the numbers tell you the current issue you're facing, while the repetition of the number pattern throughout your life serves as a way to get your attention.

For example, when the number 11 is prominent within the pattern, as seems to be the case more often than any other number, intuition -- or the acceptance thereof -- is an issue. The more often the number 11 appears in your life, the more important it is for you to make an effort to figure out what your subconscious is trying to tell you.

Below, you'll find a list of the numbers most often noticed as repeating patterns, as well as a general description of what they represent.

The Number 11
With the number 11 the issue is always one of subtlety, intuition, sensitivity, awareness, and the presence of knowledge that is not being applied. You need to trust your intuition. Your gut feelings tend to be more reliable than your "rational" understanding. You are making the wrong decisions based on what you think you know, while deep down your intuitive understanding is telling you to go a different direction.

Very often, people experience this number pattern in the early stages of a relationship, and in that context, it should be considered a warning. Take it very slow. Be very careful. But don't stick your head in the sand when you realize something within the relationship is not quite right. Chances are, it isn't. This does not mean that just because you see the number 11 appear everywhere, you should get out of the relationship. But it does mean that there are certain things you should be aware of. Actually, it seems likely that you already are aware of them, somewhere deep within. You just need to make the next step and consciously acknowledge what you already know on a subconscious level.

If romance is not part of the picture, this number can point to just about any area in which you have strong connections with others. Perhaps there are things happening in your work environment you have not been paying enough attention to, or there may be family issues that need to be resolved.

In short, you have to take a close look at your life and "read between the lines." Your inner self is attempting to communicate with you and you are not listening. Open up and acknowledge what you know. Trust thyself.

Today was my baby's due date.

well, today today is not the 26th, and a day late for baby.

I wish i would go into labor, and wishing on the time has never failed me.

upon writing the last entry i ran into some conflict with the word "relatable" and it's spelling.

Now, i was certain that this is indeed a word. Trying to describe what i wanted in any other way didn't seem as efficient, and it seemed illogical that 'to relate' wouldn't have a form that would fit.

Live Journal, Microsoft Word and my mom all disagreed.

well, i found this. suck it.

People love me. And i love people. Pregnancy gives you a new vulnerability that seems to make you more relatable.

not only that, but the people who have asked to be at the hospital lately has surprised me.

I'm cared for!

The last 24 hours have been nice. Yesterday afternoon i went downtown with juliet to get a nursing bra and lily pads (nursing pad leak preventers....) and we decided to stop into my old work so i could visit and say hi. Hot bar tender was there (which was great because he was actually fired about a month before i quit, and i guess yesterday was the first day (since he happened to visit on my last day of  work) that he's been there since). Juliet got to meet him. He's hot. Thus "hot bar tender".

Actually i enjoyed that for the rest of the day :)

Then we came back to la casa and played mario party 5 with darcy and her boyfriend. Around 5 we departed for the thirsty lion where will was playing for the night, and that was neat because hi, i'm underage, and i Never get to see him play. Since we've been more serious i've seen/heard him play less and less. Not to sound corny but it revived me a little bit, i got a chance to see him as i did when we met. It always makes you love someone a little more when you watch them do something they're passionate about.

My mom and al met up with us, and then these two guys will recently made friends (mike and steve)  with joined the table and all was festive and fun. Will finished up around eight thirty and some irish dancers took the stage and rocked. quite neat and bad ass. Oh and i saw tay tay there!?! hahahaha.  After the bar we went over mikes house where he just set up his new pool table and hung out until about two. I passed out on the couch about 130 and steve kept coming over and patting my head and telling me how hot my mom was. Ha

Today i woke up around noon and went to see west side story at the laurelhurst with my mom. Three bucks a ticket, 1.50 per slice of pizza, and i guess like two bucks per beer (as if i would know, but if there were some where to sneakily drink that would be it coughjulietcough). Will was playing a day show so i went to see the end of it, and now i'm cleaning and i just bought a dresser set for our room!!!!

God i'm so excited to have things organized. ever since the baby shower all the baby stuff has been without a home and just siting in piles around the room. Now i can put them in a little dresser and they'll have a little space of their own! YAY!
Pregnancy has made me relearn the value of organization. I massively geek out over it now.

that is all.
its nice to rejoin the living. Up until now most of the activities around me have excluded me because of impending baby. the last week or so has been a nice change.

i feel icky and weird and it hurts when i stand up and i want to cry and sleep and i'm not hungry for anything but i want to eat and i'm cranky.

I just feel unshakably icky. ick.

think it's baby or think it's instinct?

Baby Shower went great. I can't believe how much work my mom put in to it, and everything was beautiful!

Now all i need is a breast pump!

OHP SWITCHED ME TO CARE OREGON! ALL MY VISITS AND NOW COVERED AND MY DELIVERY WILL BE TOO!



YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

K Baby, Come out come out come out!

God i am so ready to not be pregnant anymore. My feet are always swollen and cold and i feel like a giant sat on my hips and crushed them for life.

Iccccckkkkk

Other than that baby shower stuff is almost done. Did a bunch of research to figure out what activities to do. Most of the ones i found online were gag me cute, so i invented my version of a few. Pretty much text twist with baby words, picture the baby game and pictionary.

All i have left if figuring out favors and buying supplies.

Baby baby be born! But be born after OHP stops shuffling me around and actually decides to cover me instead of saying they will, but i need to wait for this or that like they have been for the last 4 months.
Mind you, this will be an entire future rant: the inefficiency of government funded programs. What's been happening to me for the last four months is EXACTLY why i voted against 41. fuckers can't do shit right. Seriously, i'm nine months pregnant and they're FIGHTING with me about something SO SIMPLE. I'm already covered by them technically, but it seems like to avoid actually helping me and covering my visits like they should be they're just making me wait and wait and wait and i don't know what the hell for, but i'd like to watch them try to tell baby to wait when she decides to come out in a few weeks.

Fucking incompetent assholes. I feel like maybe they should learn how to make the system work so they're actually helping people before we pour more money into them. How are they helping me if i'm constantly 'In the Process'

and honestly i'm really stressed and scared about what's going to happen if i'm ready to deliver before they're ready to actually help me.

i was looking at my old photos, and old friends old photos, and ive realized i absolutely SPRINTED through high school.
I remember wanting to get the fuck out of there, but i forgot that i accomplished it. My only real year of high school, of really embracing all the aspects of it and being preppy and involved was freshman year. and that Blew. Sophomore year i was utterly depressed and hid in large sweat shirts and dark eye liner (very original), Junior year i was chillin with the seniors of the drama club or just drinking and end of the year starting hanging out in SE portland. Senior year i was entirely gone. I got my car, spent the most minimal time  possible in class (frequently with vodka), worked and spent all my spare time in SE portland.

I pretty much left highschool as soon as i got there. FUCK THIS I"M OUT kind of shit.
And i wonder now if that was the right idea.

My style with things has always been a sort of 'Done! Now what? K done that too, Next?'  I was always pretty stubborn about things, always did things my way, always to the extreme. As though i was just trying to see how much i could fit in. I've always wanted to do EVERYTHING. I feel like i've been doing that sucessfully since 2002. Every year has had so much new and different and bizarre shit happening.
Sometimes i feel as though i went through everything so fast and maybe i should've slown the fuck down.

I dono. I've never wanted my life to be predictable, especially to me. I've gone crazy even thinking about being stagnant.
Now i'm going to be a mom. That feels stagnant to me.
I've always been so set on making my own path completely different from the expected, and now i've done just that and managed to close the opportunity of college. At least in the traditional college experience you hear about. It's just strange for me to think about something that i can never do. I will never do that now. Ever. After living my life based on really believing that anything is possible for me, and on doing everything, i feel an immense loss.

Mother hood doesn't surprise me. I would be a young mom. As juliet and i would say a year ago, that would be how i would roll. (Ha). I just figured i would do more first, leave no stone unturned kinda shit.

I just feel like the general theme of struggle in my life has been my limitations. I've always had a situation where i've fought for my freedom, to be completely independent to do what i want when i want because i want to. I achieved that for almost exactly one year, and that ended a year ago. I just can't believe it was so short. I can't wait to have my baby, but i can't believe i'll never have that again. I feel like i fought so damn hard for that and my window was so small.

Raced through high school, skipped college to land in mother hood. Congrats me, i'm an adult! Already!
So i guess, Mission accomplished.

So, i found a new way to view history on my computer.  Instead of just going to the "History" tab on the top of the screen and just seeing the last five sites, i click "view as side bar"

It's ridiculous how much porn comes up.

Granted i wouldn't even be curious about what exactly he's looking at if i wasn't assaulted by in by the 'guess' features of internet.
ya know, if i wasn't typing in something harmless, or scrolling the http bar for gmail or whatever just to get a porn site. But i am and it does so i'm curious about what it is and how much.
It's a lot.

i'm starting to obsess over this too.
I know it's normal for guys to do this, but i really do think it's a lot.
AND it's a replacement. which makes me sad.
AND it reminds me how fat and pregnant i am. which makes me sad.

God i fucking hate porn. It makes me feel like i'm caught in the madonna vs the whore complex from the 1900s.
Or from the sopranos.

The last few weeks make me want to change my myspace status to single.

..that is, they've made me feel immature bitter and lame.
massively lame considering the myspace part.


That, and i'm becoming really sick of porn popping up in the "guess" part of my search engines.
like when i start to type a work that starts with "P" i get Porn Hub.Com (?)(asks Google.)(Would you like this site? Because your computer seems to like it.)
Or i start to type in something about college, and i get CRAZY COLLEGE FUCK ORGYS
(Once again Google asks, what about this site? You LIKE this site huh?)

Fucking great


no pun intended.

**edit**
my mistake, apparently COLLEGE FUCK FEST eps. 13 comes up. not CRAZY COLLEGE blah blah blah
**end edit**

I would like a "Your Mom Goes to College" shirt
if they have that in a onesey (aka baby uni size birth) then i want one of those as well

It's all about positive thinking.


..and i want a handle of good rum.
a good classical CD for baby
and a cookbook of recipes for lazy people- seeing as i've become one in regards to food.

I'm going to go ahead and risk sounding completely juvenile here.

Growing up sucks. I hope i can stay a kid at heart through all this, because i'm just not ready to cram a stick up my ass for the rest of my life.

On a neater note i've contacted some people about pregnant modeling gigs. My only regret is that i didn't do it sooner, and i only have a little over 40 days left of actually being pregnant.
...I just hope some of them come back not being for porn (ha, go figure)

Hi. I got my first stretch mark two days ago. Ironically it was during the 2 hours of sitting through Juno.

Ha, life. Ha.
Yes your sense of humor in my life is quite hiLARious.

other than that, my belly is an ivory egg
and the rest of me is quite sexily tan, if i do say so myself

I miss will. Homeward bound in 2.25 hours!

Live through this
And you won't look back

tomorrow 930 am. I'll live through it, and then a lot of things are going to change

The album leaf is my fall music.

the last few nights my dreams have been penetrating into my daily awareness, and it's unbearable.  They've been the most uncomfortable and heart wrenching images. The worst is that the themes they've been depicting are real. they're all true. and they're all things i can't change, even if i try i can't change them. that's well represented in the dreams as well. i've been waking up just sobbing, and i'm not at all consoled by the fact that it was just a dream, and that my day is reality, because there's more truth in my thoughts when i'm sleeping then when i'm awake.
I'm so utterly isolated.  I feel so trapped by it.  Continuing my life and building my life, all the errands i do in my free time it just so bullshit because i'm aware i'm just distracting myself. i know it, and since i do what the hell is the point of doing it. The only reality is in my dreams, and in there it's a terrible terrible reality.

what to do what to do. It just started storming out of no where on my hill. I have to walk down it to get to work but i don't even care about going so why endure. what am i pushing towards? what am i getting by to? all the plans i've made in the last year have failed, and it's all because i can't seem to learn my lesson about using people as my foundation.  But how do i not when they ask me to? Haley, please let me be a support in your life. i want to be someone for you, i want to help you achieve your goals, i want you ot depend on me so you don't have to only depend on your self like i know you have been. Fuck you. what the hell do i do now, when in my dreams you're consistently telling me i'll never have you back. sounds like what you told me a week ago.

hohohohum. today is a day for crying.

Hi. So i just came. : )

Today the plan was to go downtown and find an apartment that we would want to move in to. We got an early start considering we spent the night in the car last night, so this shouldn't have been an issue. However, we spent the night in the car last night, so we spent today recuperating with myth busters and food and blah.

Yesterday i ended up going to powells, and after about fifty pages of sex drugs and cocopuffs i met up with will, and we met up with an eighteen pack and that was the night. i haven't done the drink and walk around portland thing in a while, and it was nice.

so this post mostly sounds like bullshit blah blah this was my day.
but my intention for this post was this:

Hi. So i just came... : )